I went on a course recently about these subjects and was a bit concerned as I am truly feeling so blessed, so happy, so settled and thankful in Jesus. I didn't want anything to upset my equilibrium. On the course we covered most of the manifestations of grief that I experienced, in the form of confusion; unbelief, lots of tears; mood swings; sleeplessness and overwhelming tiredness and a sense of failure.
Our loss affects us on so many different levels as every one's grief is unique and we need to respect other people's journey. Physically we can have all sorts of symptoms as our body has to express our loss, especially if we are unable to vocalise it. There are so many emotions that I experienced with loss, sadness, regret, anger, disappointment and guilt. People talked to me a lot about finding a new 'normal'. I didn't want any life without Dave. That wasn't 'normal' from my perspective.
People can say lots of well meaning words and we can so easily get offended. I realised whatever people say can be wrong from my perspective, but I need to see their hearts. I much preferred that to people crossing over the road because they didn't know what to say. When we lost our baby the greatest conversation was with a friend who came and sat in silence beside me and cried. In 2 Corinthians 1:4 'Jesus always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial. We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.' That was definitely my friend's story.
Anyway towards the end of the day on the course we were asked to comment on anything that we had found helpful. A lady made a comment saying that she always 'stood on the Word of God' and she suggested if we did the same then we wouldn't get upset by loss. Well I felt quite offended in my heart and was feeling quite thankful that she wasn't my counsellor. I then started to think that has been my kind of reaction to others pain so often, and I felt convicted by my judgemental, and critical attitude to myself and others.
The teacher allowed two other guests to share their points. She then picked up on the point given, of the answer is 'to stand on the Word of God'. She pointed out that many can have a very cognitive relationship with God where it is more a cerebral, than a heart relationship. I had this amazing eye watering moment when I realised most of my relationship with Father God had been in my head and studying, not in my heart, so compassion was so far from me when others were suffering. It has also been so hard for me to believe I am loved as I don't match up in my head to my standard of perfection that I see in the Word.
I know a lot of Bible verses but unless I allow these truths to go to the core of my being and let them satisfy my soul, feed me, strengthen me and guide my life they stay in my head. Now I need to have such a close intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, that as I read the Word it soaks me and transforms me. God has changed my whole perspective on His Love, I can rest in His love.
